I used to joke that I would die as a fat, bald, four-eyed man with a huge smile on my face. I was so darn happy, why change. But so as long as it doesn’t happen soon, I can scratch one of those off the list. I had Lasik, and love it. And who knows, maybe sometime in the near future, I can scratch one more of the list. But first, more on Lasik.
For years I had people all around me telling me that getting their eyes done was the best thing they have ever done. I can understand that. It would be nice to see the clock in the middle of the night and know how much longer I can sleep before I am rudely awakened by that familiar, annoying buzz.
And swimming! Wouldn’t it be great to see all the shapely things in their bikinis without fumbling for my glasses … (Oops, sorry honey. I guess that wouldn’t be such a great thing after all, if I had to do it with two black eyes.)
And we are talking about my eyes here. Both of them are being worked on at the same time. What if the machine went all haywire and burned out the retina? True that I wouldn’t need glasses, but not quite what I had in mind. Hasta la vista my vision as well.
But the final straw came when I heard my brother tell me it was the best thing he ever did. Suddenly the reward outweighed the risk, and I decided to go for it. I pre-taxed the cost, and with the excellent eye insurance from work, I only had to pay a mere $2,400 out of pocket. Based on the cost of contacts, that is a whopping 6 year payback period. That would never clear most financial analyst’s approval for corporate capital expenditures. But you know what? It was the best thing I have ever done.
So today I would die a fat, bald man. But that may change. No, I am not getting a wig or a hair transplant. And I am fairly certain I am not a candidate for Rogaine. In fact, I like being bald. So many benefits. I think the logical direction is to address the fat. But I hate the word fat. To borrow a line from my friend Eric Cartman, “I’m not fat, I’m festively plump.”
So in the festive holiday season of New Year’s resolutions I am making a change. It’s not a diet, per se. It’s an alternative lifestyle. Alternative FOOD lifestyle, for you mind in the gutter dwellers. Losing weight is not rocket science. Control the food intake. Exercise away some stress. Lose a few pounds. Not too difficult, right?
Except for those little things, like beer. And wine. And French fries. And chocolate chip cookies. And butter on, well, just about everything thank you very much Ms. Paula Deen.
But that’s the old lifestyle. Out with the old, and in with the new. New attitude. New clothes. New me. Fortunately I have a house full of women joining me in this endeavor. They must really want me to succeed because none of them really need to lose weight. But as they point out, it’s not necessarily about losing weight, it’s about being healthy. So we all joined Loseit.com. It’s free, and I know for several friends, it’s worked. Hope in a few months I can tell you the same.
Wish me luck. And if you want to wish me luck in person, I’ll be at the gym. See you there?
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